Notes from An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

”Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. “

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

*JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

*JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

*FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

*JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

*JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

*FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

*JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

*JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of

red peppers.

*FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My

nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting

shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

*JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

*JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

*FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

*JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

*JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

*FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

*JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

*JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

*FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. Can’t feel my lips anymore!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

*JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

*JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

*FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful.

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