Love is Patient…

It’s interesting reflecting on the past three years of my life and thinking about the love that God shone upon my life, sparing me from the grip of death, allowing me to continue to live on this Earth, yet so undeserving – you could say it’s a story of his compassion and mercy. This past Monday marks three years since my car accident that involved my 98 Maxima and a Semi pulling sand on a country road east of Fredericksburg, VA. I still think back and feel something deep in my heart of sliding uncontrollably toward the rear of the truck, seeing it get closer and closer, with nothing that I could do but be out of control. It’s an uneasy feeling, one that I do not like in the least. April 2nd is a day where I just feel the stress in my life to increase – this past Monday was just a plain bad day where I felt incredibly agitated and didn’t know what to do but flee and take time to reflect and pray.
So what have I done in the past three years to show growth in my life, to show advancement toward life goals, to finding the purpose I was spared.
I started a job with a new company to get away from the travel that I endured going to and from the place of employment that I was formerly at. I closed the door on that portion of my life, wanting to not have to deal with such journey’s that led me far from my home – only to end up spending 7 months in Illinois, mostly alone and separated from family and loved ones. Granted, there’s always e-mail and phone calls and voice mails, but there’s something different about being the presence of those that you love, those that you care for and adore, something that is irreplaceable. It’s so true what they teach about the lessons of life, you can have time or money, but you can’t have both and if you can then you’re doing an amazing job at delegating responsibilities and maintaining leadership over projects. To those that I have hung out with since being home, realize that you are the ones that I cherish, that I wish I could spend even more time with – I’m not the greatest at verbalizing things apparently.
I’ve remained a nomad for the most part of the past three years, never really interacting with a group of people for more than a few weeks at a time before realizing that either we don’t click chemistry wise or due to my inner fight or flee inner nature which kicks in and I flee before anything truly meaningful can form. As one of my house mates quips, I’m like jello when you try to nail me down – squiggling here and there evading confrontation or letting someone really truly get to know me.
I’ve remained single primarily for the reason that I don’t like to let my heart open up very easily. One or two of my college roommates I can say truly got to know who I am, and maybe two of my friends now, but outside of that, it’s been difficult to let anyone into my life to see the soul and heart that I have, especially females. The primary reason? More than likely for fear of losing control and not being able to hold onto anything – something that I’m working on presently, but still finding it difficult to trust without fear of being scalded. The unknowns and lack of knowledge are the primaries that I would point to that God was trying to open my eyes up to, but apparently I still don’t quite get.
I’ve continued to work hard, in some cases harder than I should, trying to give all of myself rather than just doing what is asked of me. I suppose it’s a trait that isn’t healthy, wherein I push hard to complete things that require more of me than I should give – always wanting to make sure that others are taken care of rather than considering myself.
So where do I see all this going, well on this Easter Sunday, I point this back to 1st Corinthians 13 which speaks of the unfailing nature of Christ, the patience of Christ, the caring nature – yes I realize that it says “Love” but really, if you know this passage you know that it speaks of the true nature of our Messiah. I lay myself before He who is almighty and just ask for His continued healing touch and continued work that He has in me, continually sanctifying the person who I am.


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