Focusing in…

I’m 25 years old, almost 26. I’ve been single for almost four years now. Some people ask me why, and I come up with excuses here and there about how I just haven’t found the one that has a twinkle in her eyes. I say that work has kept me too busy to date anyone.

Utterly ridiculous excuses.

Many of you might encourage me to no longer dwell on the past. I don’t believe that I am. In fact, I see it more as I look at the past and I learn from it and I let my character be built upon the past. If you don’t have a firm foundation and know your weaknesses how are you to move forward and continue building?

The main reason I would say that I’ve stayed single so long is that I’m scared to put my heart out on the line. I fear putting my manhood on the line, only to have it crushed by a female because she doesn’t feel the same way, or maybe she does, but she wants to wait a while to try to crack the armor open to see just who I am.

As I mentioned to Corey Ritchie two weekends ago, “I want to be less cautious.” Honestly, I don’t know what it is that pushed me to be the way that I am, overly cautious, typically knowing more about others than they’ll ever know about me. When I started my new job, even though I tend to be the introvert, I went out of my way to lead the conversation amongst the other new employees asking them questions about their past, asking them about their hobbies, never actually sharing much about myself. My roommates have sometimes told me that in this case I’m more of a CIA operative than anything, taking it all in, talking to people, getting to know who they are, and observing them with others. In many instances, you could say that I’m the guy that’s working the crowd, and at the same time, standing on the balcony above looking down, taking it all in and contemplating what the next move is.

There have been many a female that have had a twinkle in their eyes that has excited me, only for me to see that it wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. Or that they were interested, but they themselves were confused, partly because I wasn’t jumping at the occasion to be with them.

I look at dating the same way that most people look at investing in stocks and bonds. I’m leery to take the plunge without looking at the character of the person. Without having observed them for quite sometime, there is no way I would jump into anything. Some people think that I’m crazy to take this viewpoint of dating and relationships. But to me, if I want to show someone that I want to get to know them even more, I would hope that they would understand that I don’t just jump at any one that walks in front of me.

“Many men have died, but very few men have lived.”

This is very similar to the Latin saying, “Carpe Diem!”

I’m trying to, but it’s really hard at times. It’s incredibly frustrating to me when I become blinded, attempting to seize the day when the moment is wrong, thereby causing heartache and frustration that I’ve made a fool of myself.

So where does this leave me? I just want my friends back. I extend my apologies out to those that I might have offended, or to those that I may have led to think that I wanted more than just to be friends. I lay myself down before you, admitting my faults, just wishing to restore the friendships of the past, being single and 25 (almost 26) isn’t as much fun as you might think… I still am in search of “the one”, but I don’t even think that I could handle her right now. I just yearn for friendship.

After working an hour and a half away from home, and watching my friendships deteriorate with them, and now being closer and seeing that things have changed, I can’t say that I want to be dating anyone in particular right now, I just wish to be able to goof off with my friends that are stellar, even if they do ignore me from time to time (mind you that’s not cool by the way).

Is this to mean that I don’t have friends that I can count on and rely on now? By no means, I would say that I’ve got 9 men that I could go to with anything right now. Who are those 9? The brothers of the four horsemen (Josh Smith, David Hughes and Brandon Fitzpatrick), Brian Bales, Kyle Kaurin, Danny Leavins, Andrew Fanning and Corey Ritchie and my blood brother Abe.

I put this before you all as friends, and hope to deepen my friendships with all of you.

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