For those of you that don’t realize it, I tend to spend a lot of time quiet, in solitude, thinking, letting everything that I’ve taken in slowly sift through the filters of thought, like a hard drive, defragmenting and processing data.
Kathy Bales and Ben Guthrie tend to think of me as mister elusive. I tend to think of myself as someone that pulls the Jesus in the crowd maneuver – one moment I’m at the front of the crowd talking to people, the next moment I’ve disappeared into the night, leaving no trace through the crowd of onlookers.
It’s not that I mean to slide out of sight without saying goodbye, rather it’s just become a natural tendancy. Maybe it’s the nervousness of not wanting to say goodbye to anyone. Maybe it’s the nervousness of thinking that those that I say something to won’t miss me. Maybe it’s more that I just don’t care and want to be back in my solitude. And yes, I do tend to be a nervous person at times, mostly around those that I think very dearly of.
I’ve come to find that I try to push away from different things in life. I try to have a handle on most things in life, even though I know in essence that it’s not me that is controlling the things that are in my life, rather that when I rely on the Father that He takes care of those things in my life which are accustomed to making me stumble. However, those things that I can’t handle, rather than try to work on them and get to know them I try to encapsulate them, putting them into a container. Instead of trusting in the Word of God, I seek my own means. It’s not that I tell God, “I don’t think that you can handle this…”; rather I think to myself, “It’s not that hard, I can handle this, why bring I the big guns?”
It frustrates me beyond belief when I notice this, trusting in myself rather than in God and usually it’s not until a day or two later that I notice which then leads to guilt – one of satan’s primary tools.
What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it? (Romans 6:1-2)
So what exactly am I trying to say? Basically that without keeping our focus on Him who saved us, we tend to wander, we tend to trust in our prideful and sinful nature. Why bother following Him when we can do it ourselves? I know, it’s so cliché in a way what I’m saying. Just trust, know that He’s in control, but at the same time our lives seem to be so out of control that we fear putting our trust somewhere else.
It reminds me of a story of a man that was a nervous wreck who would worry about anything and everything. He came into the office and seemed to be complete sauve and sangfroid, different than his usual demeanor. Someone asked him what he had done in his life. He merely said, “I’ve hired someone to care for all my worries.” “How much does that cost?” they asked. He replied, “I pay him $1000 a week.” “Where’s that money going to come from?” they asked him. “That’s not for me to worry about he replied.”
Okay, so I admit, that was a pretty bad story, but in essence it’s so true, we don’t even have to pay $1000 a week to the Lord to take care of our worries for us.
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, // Casting all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you. (1st Peter 5:7).
So where am I going with all of this? Merely that we need not be nervous, we need not worry, rather we merely need to be mirrors, reflecting the character of God – His love, His justice, His wisdom to name a few. As I mentioned, I tend to get nervous around particular people, I pray (and ask you to pray for me as well) that I can give anxiety up, passing on that worry, and just relaxing so that I can truly be used as an agent of the Lord to minister to those around me.