I sometimes wonder… what if on April 2, 2004 I had not reacted as quickly as I did. What if I had swerved and hit the truck head on? What if I pulled to the right and flipped over on the embankment? What if my brakes gave and I went under the trailer, shearing off the top of the Maxima?
I know that most people would say that I’m being fatalistic, or perhaps I’m looking at the past and drawing on moments that are life changers. But when you think about it, if you almost died wouldn’t you think about it for a while if you didn’t “finish dealing with it” when it happened?
I sometimes wonder what the reaction of my family would have been like… or the reaction of my so called friends that I never see or hear from anymore… or the reaction from my co-workers that I knew on the surface for the most part since apparently I was too brash for them to embrace.
Who would have come to the funeral? Who would given the eulogy? How would it have affected people?
All these questions lead me to today. What legacy am I leaving behind for others to perhaps investigate and try to carry on? Or would most people just sort of be shocked and continue on with their life thinking that it’s terrible that he passed away and continue to just live their lives as they already were?
I look at the number of people that visited me the week after my accident and I can count the number of people on one hand. I look at the number of e-mails and cards I received and the number is few – though I definitely appreciate the notes that I did receive.
Some might think that my thoughts might show a tendency of depression, and you might be right, maybe I’ve been suffering from depression for 9 months now, I doubt it since I’ve definitely smiled and had some good times, but it’s not like anyone has bothered to ask me how I’m doing expecting more than a surface answer except perhaps for my friend Andrew or my housemate Dave, and then there are those that do ask, but I question how genuine they are in their question, as though I see them perhaps hoping to gain favor.
So I leave you with this one thought, if you were gone tomorrow, like the hot vapor of tea evaporating into the air, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? What’s your legacy?

[Listening to: Liquid – Jars of Clay – Jars of Clay (3:31)]

2 thoughts on “Vapor

  1. What if you had left work or home 10 seconds earlier, you would have possibly not had time to react. You can What if yourself to death or you can take your experience in life, be thankful of the results, and go on with life.

    We all have What If’s in life… They will kill you if you let them. You would worry so much of the time that no other creative juices could flow.

    Let it go… You had a life experience that you will never forget, now you must continue on with your wonderful life.

    Uncle Bobby

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