Something that I have come to notice over the past few years working with college students is how funny it can be to watch someone get emotionally tied up in expectations that are unrealistic and quite honestly a deception to one’s self.
“Whoa there Geekster, what are you talking about?”
What, oh, okay, I’ll restate that since apparently I’m talking in code again. So, it always makes me kind of chuckle when a guy comes to me and say that they’re having issues with their friend who happens to be a female. Why you ask? Mostly because they’re having issues with a gal that well they’re interested in and their friend doesn’t know what to think. It’s not that it’s a new aspect of their friendship; rather the gal doesn’t know how to kindly tell him that he needs to wait to develop the interest because it doesn’t exist in the same way in her heart.
“Whoa there Geekster, again, you’re losing me, where’s the self-deception in this.”
Okay guys, suck up your pride. You need to accept that you’re not the most incredible guy in the world. It’s okay to have fun with friends, even female ones. But sometimes you need to slow down in your pursuit, or in your chase. Sometimes the gal isn’t ready for it, maybe they’re in the process of doing their nails and they can’t run.
“I’m still not getting the self-deception bit.”
Oh right, sorry… so guys, the last time that a gal said hello to you, did that suddenly start making you kick around ideas in your mind that she wants to be your girlfriend, your wife, the mother of your children? Please oh please tell me no. I’m not quite sure what it is that causes guys to start getting these thoughts. Oh wait, that’s right pride and ego. Something that little boys have been dealing with since they were wee lads…What makes it worse is if a gal says that they had a great time the previous evening and the guys ego goes through the roof – guys you gotta watch this, even I struggle with this at times (whoa, Geekster is being vulnerable).
“But, I thought she was interested…”
You need to confirm that. How do you confirm that? Grow a pair and DTR. Yes, definition is required. If you can’t handle this right now, I suggest backing off and just enjoying the friendship, that’s something that even I the Geekster am having to learn to do and it’s rough because you want there to be more, you want to be able to be completely vulnerable and intimate with someone but guess what? You can’t force something that isn’t there. There would be no free will in that.
It’s like the marriage of Christ and the church.
“Whoa there Geekster, where does Christ come into this?”
The church (believers, at least according to my theology that’s what it means, not Israel) is the bride groom of Christ (according to the New Testament). God gave us free will to accept the invitation of salvation. He gave us free will to love Him. If he made it a decree and forced it upon us, then there wouldn’t be that deeper intimacy.
So yes, guys, that means that just because you can have fun with someone that the deeper intimacy has got to wait, stop trying to speed things up, stop trying to force it. If it is meant to be, it will happen, if it’s not meant to be, hopefully you haven’t lowered the shield of your heart such that you are in a great deal of pain – it’s never fun and I’ve been there too many times.
“Wait, you still haven’t addressed that question that I kept asking you about self-deception…”
Oops, I was hoping you’d forget ;-). No seriously, as a guy, and I would hope you had picked up on this by now, we tend to get deceived, thinking that a girl having a fun time or enjoying our friendship means more than it does. We tend to think that we’re God’s gift to women. Okay, so we are, but in the same way, they’re His gift to men. (Okay, so my theology on that one is basically pretty lame, can we move on?)
Final thoughts? Just enjoy your friends, if by chance a female friend starts to take a great interest in you, then that’s great, hopefully you’re interested as well, but don’t rush things. Don’t push things forward such that you make her feel uncomfortable and smothered, it just means that you’ll be sitting wondering what happened for a few days until she can breathe again. Take heart in knowing that as a brother in Christ, I know how it feels, I know what you’re going through, feel free to ping me if you need some consolation.