Have you ever wondered about your life and where you are? Have you ever thought that maybe if you had just tried a little bit harder in your second year of college in differential equations that you might not be where you are today? Have you ever wondered what differential equations are?
I’ve thought about the effor that I put forth in college, dwelling on memories from the past, even though I know that I should try not to dwell on thoughts of despairity. I admit that in my own college undergraduate career that I could have worked harder, that I could have been more committed to my major. But looking back I see that if I had, I would have been in an even more stressful situation today as a graduate student looking for my “original thought” so that I could get my PhD.
So where do I end up? Well, working as a computer scientist, working with all sorts of information systems, learning how networks talk to one another, finding out how insecure somethings are and how secure others are and working with people that have low ambitions. My dream job? I’m not sure to be honest, it’s got a lot of flexibility, but it’s more just adjusting to people that aren’t risk takers, people that aren’t willing to put forward new ideas and through a pragmatic nature develop new and better, efficent ways of doing things.
If I had gone the road that is more traveled – going to graduate school, life would be different, I’d still be in school, working my tail off and never seeing the light of day, getting very little appreciation. Of course, I guess that’s not too different than what most of experience in the real world.
Working very hard and getting little appreciation. Whether it’s if we volunteer with a church or group or some sort of philanthorpy, it seems that relationships are more of the “I-it” nature rather than the “I-thou”, others just using us when they need and not really caring how we’re doing otherwise.
“House, you sound as though you’re depressed, why don’t you go hang out with friends and let them cheer you up.”
What so that I can sit there and listen to the superficial nature of others knowing that if they want to get the optimal performance from me that they need to suck up to me? That if they throw a party in my honor, but never speak to me outside of that, that all will be well and I’ll do things out of kindness for them?
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy helping others out, I feel bad knowing that I can help someone to better understand something or fix something that they aren’t quite sure how to. But, to never have someone say, “Thank you,” and really recognize that you’ve helped them? Most people would say, “Well House, you’re vulnerable and let yourself get walked over.” Yet at the same time, these are the very people that are doing the walking.
Then what am I to do? Be assertive? Be boastful? Join in the superficial nature of others?
What good is there in that? How is edifying to others?
The Bible states that I should rejoice in all things, and I do try to. I see my current situation as a learning experience, a time to truly rest in God. I know that I am where I am for a reason, but I’m still trying to find out what that is.
Nonetheless, I’m more than welcome to your comments, besides it would be nice to know someone actually reads this from time to time.