More often than not, I find myself to have a continual stream of thoughts flowing through my mind as I try to sort out different threads and streams of information and life situations. I see the solution to one ordeal and put it to rest only to have another pop up and quickly execute another defensive maneuver to quell the situation.
In college days a friend that we merely referred to as Doc Fuller mentioned the idea of defragging the mind, letting it sort things out without additional inputs. At the time I didn’t quite understand what he meant in terms of limiting additional inputs, only thinking to myself that it would be beneficial at time to stop running around constantly and taking on additional efforts to help others out.
The world we live within tends to be materialistic in nature – not too surprising considering that we tend to strive after those things that would bring us profit, spoils of some sort (think Pirate spoils, arrrrrgh), influence or carnal gratification. As broken people we tend to seek out one of these hoping to attain peace, though like a sparkler or the phosphorus of a match head, it gleams only momentarily before extinguishing itself. So how and where do we find peace?
Some would say that peace can be found in a place – I would agree in some respects. Though I would argue that peace is not necessarily in the place, but that it can be conducive to helping one find peace. When the mind is strained in several directions, having inputs and interactions limited may help, however the internal processing of the mind and soul is at capacity such that it can work through thoughts – peace has not been attained, though the mind is slowly working toward that. And yet, I find myself leaving to go to Nashville, TN, Birmingham, AL and Atlanta, GA recently and while there was a great sense of peace being away from the stress of work and family life, peace was not necessarily attained. Others may quickly jump up and state that peace is a thing.
I started to think this, letting my mind think that a new television or maybe a new car (wow the Maxima sure is a hot car) would bring that peace. Unfortunately such a new item or a toy is merely trading peace for short term contentment. We’ve all been there, excited that the new gadget is on its way via UPS or Fedex, or we’ve looked it up online, done a little research and found the best bargain to quickly go out and procure locally. Perhaps peace can be found in a person?
I struggle with this myself as someone that is single, thinking to myself that only if I were dating someone then I would have peace. I remember in high school in college friends of the female gender having such a tendency, always looking to date someone rather than being detached. While there is definitely Biblical teaching that would point out that man and woman are meant for one another, helping, assisting and growing one another in the Lord’s teachings, I think that we need to first realize that relationships while they provide someone to lean on do not in and of themselves bring peace. How to deal with this of course is yet another question that can merely be answered in that a significant other may care for you, they in and of themselves as a physical being cannot provide peace. More recently in the past nine months, I’ve come to the realization that peace is something that is fleeting and can only be attained through the discipline of the mind and the soul. While I have not necessarily become a master of attaining this peace – the fallen nature of man preventing me from maintaining constant focus, I do have to say that meditation on scripture definitely has a way of bringing peace to the soul. Much as Isaiah 26:3 states, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Hopefully this doesn’t sound like some sort of Zen, but at the same time it is quite true, focusing and meditating and remembering He who created us, clarity and focus of mind seem to become evident and the stressors and detracting scenery melt away.
Where do you find your peace?
This past week I took a roadtrip of the Southeast to go to a technology conference (DevLink) and to hang out with some great people (Becky, Cathy, Rob, Eric, Kevin, Laura, Lori, Andrew). It was a blast, very relaxing and uplifting.
I ended up going from Nashville to Birmingham to Atlanta and home again. It provided for a lot of time to listen to music and to just think – something that I’ve need some time to do with the crainess of life. I’ve finally realized (and yes, all of you that have been hitting me over the head, fine, you’ve made your point) that no one is looking after me (‘cept for maybe Mom up in heaven?). In as much, I’m starting to wonder why for so long I’ve worked so hard to care for others, constantly putting them first rather than looking after myself. I’ve let the days slip by one by one, the seasons drifting by like a leaf to the ground, slowly wading downward occasionally caught by an updraft prolonging the inevitable crashing to the surface and being trampled upon.
It’s not that we shouldn’t care for others, we’re commanded in the Bible to love one another. But gaining a little perspective on life and seeing things from 600 miles distance, I realize that most people are very selfish – why should I be the pinata that they’re constantly hitting with a wiffle bat?
Nonetheless, over the past few months I have come to realize more and more the value of life and how we waste it so aimlessly and trivially. I’ve pushed myself out of my regular ways, realizing that I need to embrace life and those that I consider loved ones nearby.
They say you only live once. What will your life’s legacy display? Will you have lived a life worthy of tales or will you look back wishing that you had left a mark only to realize you only be known as the servant of others?
So I’ve been visiting Arlington Cemetery pretty frequently these days, mostly on the weekends since I finally went and applied for a family member pass in person. I’ve been leaving flowers at Mom’s tombstone and always smiling the following week when I return to find that the grounds crew has taken them away. I’ve left a variety of things, from roses to carnations to gerber daisies, trying to mix things up so that there’s always a little something different, perhaps next time I’ll do magnolias. Anyway, I’ve at times wondered when they do the grounds keeping and what they do – do they take flowers that are perfectly good and toss them or do they take only the wilted flowers or are the flowers taken by animals that visit the tombs at night? I see the grounds keepers driving around in their trucks and other golf cart like vehicles, but have never actually been there while they’re doing any of the actually grounds keeping or mowing of grass or anything. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably just not there at the right time of day to see them hard at work keeping the grounds looking magnificent as they do.
Nevertheless, as I mentioned, I recently took some flowers over to Mom’s tombstone and laid them to rest there. Just a grouping of carnations from the Flower Den flower shop in Annandale, Virginia – okay, so I’ll admit I’m not really sure where this is based on the fact that it’s Bradlick Shopping Center which is on the cusp of Annandale, Alexandria and North Springfield (all within Fairfax County). I continue to go in there to purchase flowers and they always ask me if it’s a different occasion, sooner or later they’ll clue in that it’s always for my Mom’s tomb – unless of course my life suddenly changes and there’s a significant other (okay, rabbit trail, at the moment there isn’t but you never know when God is going to change your life eh?).
On Sunday afternoon, my Uncle Bobby from Atlanta, GA called to let me know that he had arrived for his visit and if we could go over to Arlington National Cemetery. I told him that I would be glad to take him along, not mentioning that I had left flowers the day prior, but figuring that he would realize as such with the flowers there on the ground next to the tombstone. As we got closer to the tombstone, walking up from behind it, we could see that the flowers had been moved, but we couldn’t really see the flowers. Alas, as we got to the tombstone, we noticed that the flowers were only stems and missing the flower petals and bulb – someone had a good lunch
So the lesson learned in all of this was that even though we may leave flowers for Mom, they may only really be around for a day before the deer find them for their next meal.
All in all, I still find this place to be incredibly peaceful. There are the occasional airplanes taking off and landing from Reagan National Airport, but compared to anywhere else on this planet, this seems to be the best place to just go and breathe in some fresh air and let my heart’s guard down to talk.
If you’ve never been to Arlington National Cemetery, I encourage you to go, and check in to see my Mom, she’s in section 64.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and there’s been a lot of things that keep going through my head. Â I wake up every morning and wonder to myself if things have changed, if perhaps it was all a dream, only to realize that no, it’s reality and that my feet are cold and that I should get out of bed (even though my feet are cold). Â I’ve been fortunate that I’ve been able to keep myself pressing forward, reluctant to let myself fall into a chasm, whether through forcing myself to work out and let my mind process things or through the conversations and fellowship of hanging out with my brother and his family or with my newly adopted SharePoint family (you all know who you are that I’m talking about). Â In all of this, I remember one thing in that while things may seem grim, I continue to see the hope of the Lord Jesus Christ and continue to press forward.
Last week, I watched one of my favorite movies and one of the lines struck me when I was listening to it. The movie was Hitch which some of you may know as the Will Smith holiday film about love, relationships and integrity. Well, there was one line in particular that really got me.  Hitch’s main client states, “Maybe if my heart stopped beating it wouldn’t hurt so much,†after he ends up thinking that he’ll never see the woman of his dreams again.  I feel the same way at times, but then I realize that if I let my heart stop and I stop feeling the pain and stop living, then I’ve lost.  Without that pain and edge to life, there wouldn’t be a reality and you’d have to ask yourself, what is life to you?  To me it is full of colour and texture, not blandness and darkness.
With all that has happened this year I remind myself that I must continue to step forward on a daily basis, keeping my chin up and eyes pushing forward – it’s what Mom would have wanted right?
As time continues to heal, I thought this picture in particular may remind someone of the hope and love we have in the Lord. Â Slowly but surely the life and warmth of life returns.
While I wish that Mom was still around, I do think that her grave marker is very precious and dear. If you’re in Arlington Cemetery anytime soon, go visit and say hi to the most wonderful Mother that I know.
You’ll always be my Mother, I’ll always be your son… forever, and ever.
So I haven’t seen either of these films, but have seen the trailers for both and then came across this and thought that I felt I had to share it with you all…
At the Memorial Service for my Mom last November, my brother had three things to share that Mom had taught him. I would say that Mom definitely emphasized those three things to me as well, but that she also went on to emphasize three other things that I should seek out and try to work on.
1 – Finish Well in all things… whether it be a project, or job, or a tasking, finishing well to ensure that there was no question of whether or not I had really had my heart in it and honored the request of what was being asked of me.
2 – Kill them with kindness… It may sound odd, but for those instances where I would disagree with my brother, or with a friend, or just didn’t understand where someone was coming from with their viewpoint, rather than continuing to stir things up through an argument – kill them with kindness. It’s amazing what you can do to make amends when you’re dealing with someone and rather than being critical or spiteful, just loving them unconditionally, they start to wonder if everything is okay in the way that you’re treating them, and they typically will become more open minded.
3 – Trust in Him… through the good, the bad, the ugly, the scary, the frightening, the joyous, the amazing. Trust in Him. Pretty simple, but yet so often we put our trust in ourselves, and we become controlling and want to control how things come out. We see things from our vantage point and not in the perspective of God, and we don’t understand and we get frustrated. Simply trust in Him, and He’ll present the understanding, He’ll present the course of action to follow.
So these three simple life lessons, hard to chew on at times, but Mom seemed pretty adamant about them. Hopefully I can continue to grow in these three life lessons, though they be hard to swallow at times.
The night of my parent’s car accident last October, I was out to dinner with a few friends in Herndon when my Mom called. It was sometime around 7:45 PM or so and they had just passed Petersburg, VA, a far ways from their destination stop for the evening – Greenville, SC. I didn’t hear or see my phone ringing as I had turned it to quiet and flipped it on it’s “stomach†so that I couldn’t see the face plate to keep from distracting me from the present company.
During that time at dinner, Mom had called and left a voice message. It was like most of Mom’s calls, one where she expressed her love, told me something random about what she was doing, and then re-expressed her love for me.
While I realize it’s a private message, it’s also the only thing that I have left with my Mother’s voice that hits me with such impact. I thought I’d share it with you all as well.
So I have this voice message to hold onto, a memory that I will cherish always.
So I spent the weekend in Boston for a neat event semi related to work, but not really. Anyway, while wandering around last night I remembered seeing some of the places I’d seen four years ago when I went up in Spring of 2005 for a training class.
Anyway, I figured that when I’d get home I’d look through some of the photos of how I remember Boston and what I saw over the weekend. While doing so I went through my “picture archive†which spans back to early 2003 when I bought my first digital camera.
The first picture is gone – I’m guessing I took a picture of the inside of the lens cap. The second, third and fourth pictures though… all Mom. They’re all of Mom at Immanuel Bible Church, a community that she deeply loved and cared for.
So I figured, it’s been a while since my last South Park representation (April 2005), so it was time to come up with a little more professional and something that was a little more me. The previous representation was a little too playful
